You know those crappy TV programmes where someone's living room/garden/wife/dog gets a complete image overhaul? Yes. Well I've got a pitch for any daring producer for a similar series, but with an epic scope.
Lets do Spanish Property Makeover. I'm not just talking about some old duffers from Wigan who want to tart up a bar in Torremolinos, though. No. The target for this makeover show is the Spanish property industry as a whole. Ambitious, I hear you say.
Let's face it, if anyone was due an image boost, its the Spanish property industry. And a shiny new smile and tuck for the saggy bits isn't even close to enough. Not even an industrial strength boob job will do. I mean look at the recent criticisms levelled at our old sweetheart:
She's gotten ugly - take a look at Marina d'Or, a new monster development on the Spanish coast. Comparisons with the worst of the former Soviet bloc are harsh but fair.
She steals all our money - its not just Marbella, it seems as though every local authority has some type of building scandal on its doorstep. Backhanders, illegal developments, demolitions, corrupt agents/lawyers, need I go on?
We don't love her anymore - this article lists tells us why many Brits are turning their back on their former love. Corruption, rowdiness, crime and neglect are the main reasons. Not attractive qualities in any relationship, let alone one that started as a holiday romance.
She's got competition - all of a sudden our heads are being turned by younger, more attractive markets, full of vigour and promise. Morocco, Turkey and phwoarrh! Brazil, to name but a few.
Even the neighbours are talking - its rare that the USA looks outside its borders for news (unless they are invading you), but here's the Washington Post with a thing or two to say. The choicest quote relates to Russia's Vladimir Putin, that paragon of virtue:
At a dinner with European leaders in October, Russian President Vladimir Putin responded to a question about human rights by snapping back that Spain, with its "corruption," had nothing to teach Russia.
I mean come on. If Mr "How much Polonium do you like on your Sushi?" can feel superior something is wrong.
So come on Lawrence Llewellyn Bowen, or Trinny, or Susannah, or even that one from the garden show with no bra - give our girl the makeover that she so desperately needs. And make us all fancy her again. Please.